Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
