Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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