i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
