Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
