After last night, I could never be a politician.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
