I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
