I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
