I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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