if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
