I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
