Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
