My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
