I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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