Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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