i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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