I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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