I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
