Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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