Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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