we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
