FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
