Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Can Purell be used as lube?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
