wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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