Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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