i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
