Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
