I met the friendliest cop last night
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
