My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
