even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize