I accidentally had phone sex last night
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sober January is a disaster.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
