you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
