I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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