I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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