DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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