im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
worst night to have a conscience
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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