I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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