Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize