just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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