Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
