Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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