since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
