the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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