i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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