I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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