Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
