How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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