i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
