i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize