Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
