You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
