ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
