Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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