I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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