New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
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