Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
