she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
