I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize