even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
