Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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